Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
