he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
