yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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