i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
