So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
