When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
