So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
