Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize