Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
