Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
