You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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