I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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