I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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