why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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