So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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