so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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