matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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