Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
