sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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