I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I need to stop coming to work sober
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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