A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize