True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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