The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
