I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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