he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
