my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
