then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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