We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
