a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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