if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
