Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I will pee on everything he values.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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