Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
