You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize