She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
