can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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