it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
