this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I need water and some morals
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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