Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
