Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
