i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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