Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and she was petting her beer can
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So much Jack, so little girl.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
