Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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