Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
