im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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