the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
