Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am one with the molecules
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
