One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i came on her dog
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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