ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
