So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize