it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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