Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Randomize
