In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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