First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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