At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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