he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
