YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
