She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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