I want to make a zoo with you.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize