remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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