and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
