I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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